Light hearted jokes !!

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Vespa
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Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:34 pm

I thought about car jokes and came up with these. What do you have?

Two nuns were driving at night and all of a sudden Dracula jumped out in front of them. There he was lit up in the headlights. The nun in the passenger seat was panic stricken. She said "Sister Mary,jump out and show him your cross, show him your cross ! " So Sister Mary jumped out of the car and shouted "You dozy F***ing Bas***d I could have killed you jumping out like that."

My wife went to the Dr's and had a new coil fitted. That put the spark back in our sex life.

A little old chap had broken down in his Robin Reliant and was at the side of the road when a chap in a Jaguar pulled up to help. He put a tow rope on the Relaint to tow him to a garage and told the driver to flash his headlights and beep his horn if he wanted him to stop. They were soon bobbing along at 40 mph when a flash sod in a BMW (could have been an Audi) went flashing past them at 80 mph. The Jag driver decided to catch the BMW /Audi and put his foot down soon getting to 100mph. Further up the road was a police radar trap. The Jag and BMW/Audi went through it at 150 mph. The officer was on his radio straight away to report to base what he had seen. The station sergeant said chase after them and try to catch them. The patrol officer then reported that a Robin Reliant was trying to get them to move over, to get past them, by flashing his headlights and blowing his horn. He couldn't believe what he had seen.

And now a true tale. I had pulled into a garage to fill up and an old dear had the bonnet up on her car. There was oil all over the forecourt and I thoght she had blown the engine. No the poor old dear had checked the oil level and decided to top it up via the dipstick hole. I showed her where to top the oil up and she was ever so grateful.

Over to you lot for more fun.
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ash
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by ash » Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:50 pm

The only car joke I can come up with is "Nissan Micra"
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Nevyn
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Nevyn » Fri Sep 09, 2016 5:27 pm

A man on his way to play golf pulls into a tiny village petrol station and and sees it's one of those old fashioned places that serve you. The attendant, a country bumpkin, marvels at his beautiful Jag while he's filling the tank. He asks, hey -- what are those things on the bonnet of your car?

The man replies, "Those are windscreen washers. They squirt soapy water on to your windscreen to wash dirt off it."

To that, the attendant replies "wow, them folks at Jaguar think of everything".

The attendant then reaches into the car to open the bonnet and notices the buttons on the steering wheel. He asks the man about them.

To that, the man replies, "Those are stereo controls so I don't have to take my hands from the wheel when I want to adjust the stereo."

The attendant again replies "Wow, them folks at Jaguar think of everything"

After a few more "learning moments" like this, it's time for the man to pay.

He reaches into his pocket for his wallet and pulls it out together with a couple of golf tees. As he takes some notes out, the attendant notices the tees and asks "what are those white things in your hands?"

The man replies, "Those are called tees, you put your balls on them when you drive."

To that, the attendant exclaims in his most impressed voice "WOW! them folks at Jaguar REALLY do think of everything!!"
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stever_51
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by stever_51 » Fri Sep 09, 2016 7:15 pm

Shamelessly lift from elsewhere ..

What's the difference between Audis and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.


A penguin is driving along the motorway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He urns off at the next junction and finds the nearest service station, he pulls in to the forecourt with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sat Sep 10, 2016 10:49 am

One day a blonde was trying to earn some money by doing odd jobs around her neighbourhood. So she went up to her neighbour and asked if he needed anything done. "Can you paint my porch for £50?" asked the neighbour.
"Of course," she replied.
The man went back inside to his wife. "Hey guess what, our neighbour offered to paint the porch for £50."
"She does realise the porch wraps around the whole house, doesn't she?" asked the man's wife. The man shrugged.
An hour later the blonde rang the man's doorbell. "I've finished," she said, "and since I had extra paint I gave it two coats!" Her neighbour was impressed with how quickly she had got the job done. He gave the blonde her £50. She turned to leave but then stopped and turned back, "By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
John
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robertW
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by robertW » Sat Sep 10, 2016 11:14 am

Epitaph
He passed the speed-cop without fuss
And passed the waggon of hay,
He tried to pass the swerving bus
And then he passed away.
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brgxe
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by brgxe » Mon Sep 12, 2016 7:59 pm

satnav001.jpg
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sat Sep 17, 2016 11:49 am

A married couple are lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, 'Why are you taking off your clothes?'
His wife replies, 'You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.'
The husband says, 'No, not at all.'
His wife asks angrily, 'Well, what the hell were you doing then?'
He turned back to his book and replied, 'It makes it easier to turn the pages.'
John
2016 XE Italian Racing Red Prestige 2.0i 200
Prev. 2011 XFS


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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:17 pm

If we are doing rude ones, here is another. Three men in a bar are discussing how their wives react to sex. The first says that she lifts her back 6" off the bed. The second says his wife lifts up off the bed by a foot or so and starts moaning. The third says that's nothing mine screams and shouts and hits the ceiling. The others want to know how he does it. Simple he says I wipe my D**k on her new curtains. (drapes) :lol: :lol:

Viagra jokes.
Man goes to the Dr and says he is getting depressed as he is always getting picked on. The Dr says he will prescribe Viagra eyedrops to make him look hard.
Always swallow them quickly or you get a stiff neck.
For the elderley, take half at night as it stops you rolling out of bed and the other half in the morning as it stops you dribbling down your pants when you have a wee.

More to come if allowed :lol: :lol:
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sun Sep 18, 2016 1:13 pm

My wife and I walked past an expensive new restaurant last night. 'Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?' she said.
Being the nice chap that I am I thought, 'Bugger it, why not. I'll give her a treat.'
So we walked past it again.
John
2016 XE Italian Racing Red Prestige 2.0i 200
Prev. 2011 XFS


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