Light hearted jokes !!

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bob_mcn
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by bob_mcn » Tue Jul 31, 2018 1:48 pm

Pinched from Face book...... :lol:

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Bob McN.
Oct'16 to Oct'18: Caesium Blue, Portfolio 240, MY2017, selection of addons.
Oct'18 onwards : Caldera Red, XE 300 Sport, MY2019, bigger selection of addons
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:24 am

Harold Smith is on his deathbed and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. So, he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. Frank, take the apartments over in Pall Mall. Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property."
The wife replies, "Property, the old idiot had a paper round."
John
2016 XE Italian Racing Red Prestige 2.0i 200
Prev. 2011 XFS


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bob_mcn
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by bob_mcn » Tue Dec 04, 2018 1:12 pm

Now thats what you call braking, not really it clipped a low bridge,

P2210005.JPG

Bob McN.
Oct'16 to Oct'18: Caesium Blue, Portfolio 240, MY2017, selection of addons.
Oct'18 onwards : Caldera Red, XE 300 Sport, MY2019, bigger selection of addons
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6930&start=20#p77545


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BRC
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Location: Pot hole county, aka Surrey

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BRC » Tue Dec 04, 2018 1:28 pm

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." Reilly shouted, "That's grand, does that mean I can keep the money?"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" The farmer does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
XE Portfolio as a daily driver and Z4 because I still can!


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BRC
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BRC » Tue Dec 04, 2018 1:32 pm

A car full of nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins," shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
XE Portfolio as a daily driver and Z4 because I still can!


Thorn
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Location: Leeds

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Thorn » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:17 pm

BRC wrote:
Tue Dec 04, 2018 1:28 pm
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." Reilly shouted, "That's grand, does that mean I can keep the money?
That's a bit close to home. I once acted for an Irish social club in an unfair dismissal case brought by the former club steward. We lost, and the tribunal wanted a bit more information from the steward to help them decide on the compensation. His representative gave them the info, and then the steward piped up that there was another weekly payment to take into account. When asked what it was for he said it was a tax fiddle. The tribunal chairman hid the roof. He declared he would not have the tribunal used to facilitate a tax fraud, and reversed his decision.


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XES Owner
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Location: East Anglia

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by XES Owner » Thu Dec 06, 2018 5:12 pm

Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was
missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not
come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Jaguar.

Sergeant: What kind of Jaguar was it?

Husband: 2018 Jaguar XE S 3.0-litre V6 380hp petrol engine finished In Santorini Black with Jaguar's slick eight-speed ZF automatic
gearbox with paddles on the steering column, Multi-Function Steering Wheel, Electrically Adjustable Steering Column,
20" 10 spoke Propellor Alloy wheels with Tyre Pressure Monitoring, Keyless entry, Folding rear seats, Heated Electric folding wing mirrors,
Sports suspension, Alarm, Rear parking sensors, Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights,
Panoramic Glass, Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof, Passenger & Driver airbag. Front side airbags, Curtain airbags, Auto climate control, Leather steering wheel, Full leather Sports seats, 18 way Height adjustable Memory driver's and Passenger's seats, Heated and cooled front seats, Heated rear seats, Superb Meridian Sound System, DAB Radio, Front and rear electric windows, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, AUX stereo input, Cruise control, Speed limiter, Satellite Navigation, InCommand and InControl systems, Stop/Start, Automatic wipers

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry sir. We'll find your car


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XES Owner
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by XES Owner » Thu Dec 06, 2018 5:38 pm

A woman went to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asked, "What's the problem?"

The woman said, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason and it scares me."

The doctor said, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman said, "doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The doctor replied, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."


Apologies to our female members, BUT to appease:



Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?

'The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN


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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Fri Dec 14, 2018 12:08 pm

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is - night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a BMW would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
16. The universe contains protons, neutrons, and electrons........ but mostly morons.
John
2016 XE Italian Racing Red Prestige 2.0i 200
Prev. 2011 XFS


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bob_mcn
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Location: Near Chester, Cheshire, UK.

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by bob_mcn » Fri Dec 14, 2018 12:32 pm

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.”

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Bob McN.
Oct'16 to Oct'18: Caesium Blue, Portfolio 240, MY2017, selection of addons.
Oct'18 onwards : Caldera Red, XE 300 Sport, MY2019, bigger selection of addons
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6930&start=20#p77545


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