Light hearted jokes !!

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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sun Dec 17, 2017 4:37 pm

:D :D :D :D :D
John
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FairlyOldGit
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by FairlyOldGit » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:41 pm

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you
been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?’

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.’

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and
Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?’

'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people,
seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the
world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of
England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the
world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as speakers of truth.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to Govern the country!'
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:40 am

:x :cry: :x :cry: :x
John
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FairlyOldGit
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by FairlyOldGit » Mon Dec 18, 2017 6:09 pm

perhaps I should have put . . . :| :| :| :| :| :| :|
'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting in down South to oppose the Government!' ??

Richard
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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:32 pm

Famous sayings of WW2
Who said,
We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Answer Winston Churchill


Who said,
I said, to the people of the Philippines whence I came, I shall return. Tonight, I repeat those words: I shall return!

Answer General Douglas MacArthur

Who said,

What the bloody hell was that?



Answer The Mayor of Hiroshima.
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FairlyOldGit
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by FairlyOldGit » Mon Jan 01, 2018 4:54 pm

Very relevant given the time of year . . Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, pointing to the bowl. ' I wonder if you would tell me about this?
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Richard
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:11 pm

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
Gentlemen remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
John
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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Fri Jan 12, 2018 5:57 pm

Sent to me today..............
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words.
>
> He even played soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
>
> John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
>
> John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
>
> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
>
> Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
>
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
>
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
>
> "I believe I may have offended you with my appalling language and actions.
>
> I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
>
> As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up and very softly said,
>
> "May I ask what the turkey did?"
>
>
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sat Jan 13, 2018 9:16 am

Bob received the following text from his neighbour, "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in from the neighbour, "Damn this predictive text. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'."
John
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:11 am

The Assistant Abbot in the monastery goes up to the Abbot and says ''Father, we have discovered another case of Gonorrhea in the monastery.'
''Thank heaven for that,'' says the Abbot, ''I'm fed up drinking that Chardonnay.''
John
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