Light hearted jokes !!

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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:19 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I have joked with my wife over the past few months regarding some of the weird names that people are calling their children these days. "what have you called the baby?" "Oh something unusual, Demensher . We thought it sounded like a flower"

Spelling is incorrect to emphasise the idiot brain answer. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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PhilB
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by PhilB » Wed Feb 21, 2018 11:10 am

Three contractors are asked to bid to refurbish the railings at 10 Downing Street.
One contractor is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from London.
All three meet with a civil servant in Downing Street.

The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure, then works some figures and says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says. "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my
crew, and £200 profit for me."

The bloke from London doesn't bother to do any measuring or calculations, he just leans over to the civil servant and whispers,
"I'll do it for £2,700."

The civil servant is understandably surprised and says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high
estimate ?"

The London bloke whispers back, “£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."
"Done!" replies the civil servant.

Now do you see how Carillion went under, leaving the taxpayer with the bills ?
;)
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billvega
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by billvega » Wed Feb 21, 2018 12:05 pm

PhilB wrote:
Wed Feb 21, 2018 11:10 am
Three contractors are asked to bid to refurbish the railings at 10 Downing Street.
One contractor is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from London.
All three meet with a civil servant in Downing Street.

The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure, then works some figures and says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says. "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my
crew, and £200 profit for me."

The bloke from London doesn't bother to do any measuring or calculations, he just leans over to the civil servant and whispers,
"I'll do it for £2,700."

The civil servant is understandably surprised and says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high
estimate ?"

The London bloke whispers back, “£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."
"Done!" replies the civil servant.

Now do you see how Carillion went under, leaving the taxpayer with the bills ?
;)
How mad, I literally watched the Only Fools episode yesterday where this joke was told. But it was Delboy ripping off the brewery for 2 grand and making a grand for him and Mike and getting the Irish builder to do the work for his quoted grand.... the wife didn't get it :roll: :lol:
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sun Mar 11, 2018 1:09 pm

A motorcyclist swerved to avoid a fox, lost control and ended up in a ditch with a severely banged head. Dazed and confused he crawled out onto the edge of the road as a shiny sports car pulled up. A very beautiful woman with a low-cut blouse got out and asked him how he was.
'I'm not too sure,' he said looking hard at her stunning breasts.
She replied, 'Get in and I'll take you home and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.'
He said, 'That's very good of you but I don't think my wife would agree to that.' When she said that she was a trained nurse and it wasn't very far, he gave in still muttering that his wife was going to be really upset.
At her place, after a couple of cold lagers and with his head all bandaged up, she unbuttoned her blouse, smiled and said, 'Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything, and by the way where is she?'
He replied, 'Still in the ditch with my bike.'
John
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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Sun Mar 11, 2018 1:25 pm

It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears/" The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed outright. "Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?" The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle. "Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?" The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor. King Harold puuled the general to one side and whispered in his ear "Watch that bugger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sun Mar 11, 2018 1:31 pm

A couple were invited to a costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early enough decided to go the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. His wife sidled up to him and, being rather seductive herself, he devoted his time to the new woman that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away home, put the costume away and got into bed. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
John
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Prev. 2011 XFS


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PhilB
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by PhilB » Thu Mar 15, 2018 10:20 am

It doesn't take long does it ?
:lol:

getPart.jpeg

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Vespa
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Vespa » Thu Mar 15, 2018 10:22 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Mon Apr 02, 2018 4:04 pm

A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks, "What's the problem?'
The woman says, "Well Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my hubby comes home drunk he threatens to slap me around."
The doctor says, "Ah well, I have a really good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says, "Doctor that was brilliant. Every time my hubby came home drunk I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me even once. Tell me Doc what's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says, "It's really no big secret. The water does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
John
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moose
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by moose » Tue Apr 10, 2018 5:06 pm

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
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