Light hearted jokes !!

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MalcolmT
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by MalcolmT » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:39 am

That's brilliant!


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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Sat Jun 30, 2018 10:59 am

Two women were playing golf. One drove off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise, 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me to,’ she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence however he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes and asked, 'How does that feel?'
He replied, ‘It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken.'
John
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147daytona
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by 147daytona » Sat Jun 30, 2018 12:54 pm

Ha ha, i like that one :lol:
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Mon Jul 02, 2018 7:41 am

An old Vicar was dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue tax official and his solicitor (both church members) to come to his home. When they arrived they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the Vicar held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Vicar grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the taxman and the solicitor were touched and flattered that the old clergyman would ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled because the Vicar had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally the solicitor asked, "Vicar, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old Vicar mustered up some strength then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go too."
John
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PhilB
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by PhilB » Tue Jul 03, 2018 8:59 am

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
“If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!”
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.”

There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
“Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide , while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “F*** him”.
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richmond
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by richmond » Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:19 am

Very good Phil. :D :D
John
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BRC
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BRC » Tue Jul 03, 2018 11:50 am

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


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BRC
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BRC » Tue Jul 03, 2018 11:52 am

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!


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BRC
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BRC » Tue Jul 03, 2018 11:54 am

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the
technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go
for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping
you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"


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bob_mcn
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Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by bob_mcn » Sun Jul 29, 2018 6:08 pm

29027578_10212513427130847_1784269830124208128_n.jpg

OR.

age Hmmm.jpg

Bob McN.
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Oct'18 onwards : Caldera Red, XE 300 Sport, MY2019, bigger selection of addons
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