Light hearted jokes !!

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BevC
Posts: 549
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2016 9:26 pm
Location: Leicestershire

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BevC » Sun Mar 22, 2020 9:57 am

Not for the faint hearted - this is supposedly a true product review and the funniest tale of woe I have ever read.

“This will bring tears to your eyes

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen - by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open, trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.......”
Current MY2019 Corris Grey/Oyster Portfolio 180 Auto AWD
Previously MY2015 Polaris White/Ebony Prestige 163 Manual

Deleted User 732

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Deleted User 732 » Sun Mar 22, 2020 10:34 am

Being now stuck in the house these little gems are keeping me amused. Keep it up please. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Zingiber
Posts: 90
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2019 10:45 pm
Location: Somerset, UK

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Zingiber » Sun Mar 22, 2020 10:49 am

Here's a couple more reviews for the same product: :lol:

Image

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MY2018 XE 25t R-Sport • Caesium Blue • Midnight Blue interior • InControl Touch Pro • 380w Meridian sound system.
It's got a CD player player player player player player

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lexie
Posts: 226
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2016 5:46 pm
Location: Chichester

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by lexie » Sun Mar 22, 2020 1:46 pm

There was a man from Kildare,.
Who wrote limericks during the scare,
He stayed in the house,
and drank famous grouse,
and drove his poor wife quite spare.

"all persons mentioned are entirely fictional and other spirits are available"

R-Sport 200ps Ammonite grey, parking pack, split fold rear seats, space saver, 14 way seats

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lexie
Posts: 226
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2016 5:46 pm
Location: Chichester

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by lexie » Mon Mar 23, 2020 11:18 am

Today's

A shopper from Tredegar,
Who was very very eager,
To get holy of some bars if soap,
When the cashier said nope,
She'd almost lost hope,.
But left with a tub of Swarfega
R-Sport 200ps Ammonite grey, parking pack, split fold rear seats, space saver, 14 way seats

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AndyB
Posts: 63
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:17 pm
Location: Liverpool, UK

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by AndyB » Mon Mar 23, 2020 11:39 am

Why must you never buy Ukranian underwear?


Because Che-knob-yl fall out
2016 XE-S in Ultimate Black with 20" Propeller Alloys

Fourwheels
Posts: 217
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2016 1:01 pm

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by Fourwheels » Mon Mar 23, 2020 1:32 pm

The Worst Is Yet To Happen.

Just wait until the Jehova Witnesses figure out we are all at home !
Previously Jaguar XE Portfolio 2015

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bob_mcn
Posts: 791
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2016 7:31 am
Location: Near Chester, Cheshire, UK.

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by bob_mcn » Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:42 pm

I remember the days when you could smoke in pubs, now, you cant even have a drink. ;)
Bob McN.
Oct'16 to Oct'18: Caesium Blue, Portfolio 240, MY2017, selection of addons.
Oct'18 onwards : Caldera Red, XE 300 Sport, MY2019, bigger selection of addons
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6930&start=20#p77545

spritely
Posts: 514
Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:16 pm
Location: Llanon/Wales

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by spritely » Mon Mar 23, 2020 3:17 pm

Fourwheels wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 1:32 pm
The Worst Is Yet To Happen.

Just wait until the Jehova Witnesses figure out we are all at home !
Lol, Lord help us - yikes. :lol: :lol:
Corris Grey 180D R sport - loving it.

BevC
Posts: 549
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2016 9:26 pm
Location: Leicestershire

Re: Light hearted jokes !!

Post by BevC » Mon Mar 23, 2020 5:06 pm

I’ve pinched this from one of the hifi forums because I thought it was so good.

I WILL SURVIVE.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !

No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor

And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !
Current MY2019 Corris Grey/Oyster Portfolio 180 Auto AWD
Previously MY2015 Polaris White/Ebony Prestige 163 Manual

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